Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
oh you wanna fight?!
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.