He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
584.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
me
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer