Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead