[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.