What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.