Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
what’s really going on
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?