What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Why I divorced her.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
This is true.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station