I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Based Erika
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.