Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa