Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
(True)
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?