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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
This 4th of July, please remember…
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Doggies just call it style.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.