I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me