Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
selena gomez
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.