If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Sell your car
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.