Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*