When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee