*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Husband of the year 😂
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Why is everyone getting married at me