Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Kermit goes Blue.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.