Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
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ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Day 2 of my diet
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok