Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
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Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
For the baby who has everything
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.