Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.