My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim