ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
You Might Also Like
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The Punning Dead.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”