“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
me logging onto twitter
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Oh no
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
They got Raph!
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.