captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If snakes were wide
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
scared to check what name she chose
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.