Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Siri: Retweet me.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.