my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim