Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows