The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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Happy weekend !
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’