Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Oh. My. God.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted