I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.