Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.