DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me