(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
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Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
c’mon!
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
WWE is French for “yes”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
selena gomez
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night