My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
This rocks
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair