Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
You Might Also Like
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me when someone tries to get to know me
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno