I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.