I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
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My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?