{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Eat…
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job