911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Happy birthday to all the women
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler