WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
WHY?!
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Baking is just science you can eat.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel