cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”