Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.