“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
how high up are we talkin’?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary