my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.