When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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#SuperBowl
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Love is in the air fryer.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
are there any atheist mantises?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read