Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.