Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!