THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I know this now 😂
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.