ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?